Friday, November 20, 2009


I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I think I'm going to be sick. I'm shaking, I'm cold, and I've barely said a word this past hour.

The strangers are gone; the Fire Lord has announced that everyone is free to move about the Palace again.

Which means Coal has had his chance to report me.

I've never been so afraid in my whole life. What was I thinking?? How could I have been so foolish as to disobey the Fire Lord? And get caught, too! Of all the stupid things to do, spying on the spies must be at the top of the list.

My eyes are bright green and I'm breaking out into a cold sweat.

Will the Fire Lord kill me? Or only have me flogged? Or branded! I've heard of him doing that. There used to be a page sparker around who had all sorts of brand scars on his back, marking his shame. He was a complete rebel for who-knows-why and he was executed two springs ago.

Surely the Fire Lord won't kill me! I've never done anything like this before! But his temper has been so short of late, and with the talk of rebellion last month or so, I'm sure he's more likely to kill than ever.

But under all this fear there are other feelings. Feelings not timid at all. There are feelings of determination and still curiosity. If the Fire Lord does not have me executed, will I try this again?


I can't say. The fear of death is too close now. But I'm still somehow curious, so painfully curious. Coal knows so much, and I know so little. It's too unfair to be borne! I want to know things! I hate being blinded!

Who knows what's to come. Not me.

I do not know of any gods to pray to, but if you do, please pray for me.

And pray also that those words never come back to the Fire Lord. To pray to or worship anything but him would lead to death without question.

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